Love you, and miss you always.

Six years ago today- an eternity and an instant- my beloved and wonderful dad won peace in his battle with cancer. I think about him every day. We talk about him every day. My mom and my siblings and I are on a group text, where for the past few days we have been reliving his jokes and his sayings, texting each other our favorite photos, and telling each other our favorite stories.

How he would have loved to see my son, his chubby-cheeked little doppelganger, morph into a lean, strong lacrosse player– and to mercilessly tease him about his long hair. Gabby was in third grade when he died, so although Dad was quite familiar with her king-sized personality, he never got the chance to see what a strong, funny, confident young lady she would become. Today I asked Addie what she remembered about her papa, and she remembers- just barely, and I had to help her with the details- that she and I used to take Dad to his radiation treatments, and that the nurses there always had a treat for her. She would eat her cookie- or drink her hot chocolate- and color the nurses a picture while we waited for Dad. “And they put it on the wall, didn’t they, Mom?” Addie asked me today, with a little spark of memory in her face. But about her Papa- Addie was five years old when he died, and her memories are more about feelings than moments. She remembers laughing, and she remembers love.

I still miss my dad every day. And I still try, every day, to make him proud of me. Love you, Dad.

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I survived my first semester in my new position- and even thrived. You guys, I LOVE IT. This position was tailor made for my skill set, and I don’t mind at all that I was so busy for an entire semester that I did nothing but work, drive carpool, and go to yoga.

Especially because we spent 10 days in New Orleans after Christmas! Because I have a big girl job now, I can’t blow off my responsibilities for Mardi Gras (still cannot believe the whole world doesn’t stop for Carnival season) this year. So the five of us and some friends took off for NOLA, and we slept in and had beignets and went on haunted pub crawls and I ran in Audobon Park and it was absolutely fantastic.

I approve this message.

Also this message.

In other news, the anniversary of Dad’s death is approaching. My siblings and I have had a group text going for months now- initially because of our Ireland trip, but now just for logistics and sibling teasing purposes. My brother texted us the photo below – taken at probably 5am on Christmas morning- in which my Dad, hilariously, appears to be examining his life choices:

Also please enjoy that sketch of my mother on the wall.

Before we head into the spring semester- a semester for which I have even more grand plans- I want to recount a conversation I had with Gabby a couple of nights ago.

GABBY [bounding into the room and interrupting my book]: Mom!!!! I’m going to send you a link to a video. You don’t have to watch it right now, but I want you to watch it. It’s of Gerard Way from My Chemical Romance.

JULIE: Just so you know, I will not be watching that video.

GABBY: …Then I’ll just put it on and make you watch it right now. [Climbs on me and forces me to watch an infinity of My Chemical Romance videos, and also explains to me how Gerard Way loves Smashing Pumpkins and wants to emulate that band’s trajectory.]

JULIE: I saw Smashing Pumpkins in concert once.

GABBY: Mom! This is not about your ancient concerts. Here’s Gerard Way in a million hair colors. Which do you like best?

JULIE:  ….. Well, when he’s really really blond, maybe he’s trying to kind of emulate Billy Corgan.

GABBY [total disdain]: Who’s Billy Corgan? He is not.

JULIE: Billy Corgan formed Smashing Pumpkins. He’s probably your boy’s hero and you didn’t even know it.

GABBY: Oh my gosh, Mom. You’re ruining this for me.

[DAVE enters the room]

GABBY: Dad! Mom is ruining this for me.

DAVE: Judging by her face, I think you’re ruining this for Mom.

I bet my face looked just like Dad’s does in the pic above. Solidarity, Dad. I feel you.

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On this day in 2012, we were closing in on the first anniversary of my dad’s death. Dad was on our minds and in our hearts more or less constantly.

Then a monster walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School and killed 6 teachers and 20 children. Addie was 6 years old at the time, the same age as many of the children who died. She was full of questions about these children: what did they like to do, what did they think when the shooter came into the school, were they afraid. The idea of these children dying alone, without their parents, distressed Addie so much. A few days later, she came to me with a solution. She said, “Do you think Papa was there to help those kids when they died? So they didn’t feel scared?”

And I said the only possible thing I could tell a 6-year-old child struggling to answer an impossible question: “Yes. Papa is taking good care of those kids for their families. You don’t have to worry about them.”

Please go to the memorial website today, look at their photos, and read the stories of these women and children whose lives were taken for no reason at all.

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I fell head over heels in love with Dave about 21 years ago. I married him 19 years ago. Between then and now, my feet landed back on the ground- in the best, best way. Dave and I have found our way together through the whole gamut of experiences- from awesome to “fuuuuuuck.” Standing at the altar nineteen years ago, there was a lot that I didn’t know (including that Dave would shortly step on my wedding dress and rip a hole in it. Just saying). I knew nothing about what was to come; I was just excited to spend it with this man by my side.

Today, I know a lot more about good times and bad times, and those things that can strengthen you or pull you apart. I know a lot more about the deep well of goodness in Dave, his essential groundedness, and his easy strength. I understand now that he will never, ever, get any better at being places on time. I also realize that I’m not always a peach to live with, either- and he accepted the whole package. More than ever, I understand that I know nothing about what is to come.

And I’m so, so glad to experience it with Davey. Thanks for being my buddy. Looking forward to our fifteen minute drink tonight, after Kid Activity Carpool.

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CAM [wandering into the kitchen]: What can I eat really fast, before Homecoming Olympics?

GABBY: First you have to tell me what ‘francophone’ means. Is that French?

CAM [looking through the fridge]: Maybe I’ll just have some cereal…. so, ‘francophone’ is an English word. It means “French speaking.”

JULIE: So guess what the word ‘anglophone’ means?

GABBY: “Angler-fish speaking.”

JULIE:

CAM:

GABBY: Points for originality?

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I started my new job as a full-time faculty member a few weeks ago. I’ve been busy- in all the best ways. It’s been great. And in the meantime, here’s what’s happening in the rest of my house:

• Cammy, for whom jobs keep falling into his lap, has scored yet another awesome job. He’s working at a nearby athletic facility, once again recommended to the facility by someone who knows him. His hair continues to get more and more luxurious. He is a junior and starting to be much more serious about looking at colleges, WHAT.
• Lishie ended a season of up-and-down competitions on the upswing, placing 5th overall (and even more exciting: one of the judges placed her 1st her soft shoe round). Now she’s splitting her time between dance and golf AND a boy came to the house and held up a sign, Say Anything-style, asking her to go to Homecoming. This is uncharted territory, my friends.
• Addie J finished up her purple belt testing just this week. She’s also changed her Halloween costume from a fox to one of the Disney princesses, to go along with her group of friends. This is much easier for me, so I’m onboard.
• Due to my new job, and due to the fact that Dave’s job is based out of Atlanta, he has been home for the after-school runs more often than I have. I told him yesterday that he is the new Mom. He told me that we’re all in trouble. Don’t believe it for a second. (Granted, we’re only a few weeks in. Anything can happen, right?)
• So basically, I get up early and get the kids and myself out the door. Afternoons and evenings are a free-for-all and sometimes we’re not home and finished for the night until 9 or later. And our steady schedule of out-of-town every weekend has continued apace (not this weekend, burglars: we’ll be home). So that’s why I’ve been MIA: for all the best reasons.
• Speaking of all the best reasons: I’m headed out now for drinks with a friend. I will try to carve out more time to update here in the coming weeks.

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