Not What I Meant.

Downstairs bathroom countertop.

“Addie J, you can’t have gum at school,” I said. “Please take it out of your mouth before we leave,” I said.


    Battle of the Nicknames

    I know she’s not happy about it… but that face will always be the face of my J.

    I am terrible with the nicknames. I cannot be trusted to call someone their given name; I’m all “G” instead of “Georgann” and “Keeno” instead of “Ann” and “Gravy” instead of “Dave.” I take zero […]


      I’m Not Very Cool.

      JULIE [walks in, sees Cam]: My brotha!!!!

      CAM: [chews]

      JULIE: My brotha from anotha motha!!!!!

      CAM: [chews]

      JULIE: …Which was me!

      CAM: [stops chewing; look of disdain]

      JULIE [regular voice]: No?

      CAM: No…[shaking head]… Jeez. No.


        CPS-3: Now Including Two of the Original Seven

        It’s not that we have to pee; we’re bending down like this because this photo was taken by a three-year-old who was also holding my Diet Coke and a freeze pop, and had little to no interest in the task.

        In honor of my dad’s fighting spirit and to continue contributing to cancer […]


          Nevermore

          Once, years ago, I read a short story about dread. Might have been written by Stephen King? –But I feel like I read it in a Reader’s Digest in a waiting room somewhere. The crux of this story was that the protagonist lived in a town which was being terrorized by a serial killer. […]


            Jimmy Kimmel Keeps it Real

            There’s a special place in my heart for people who refuse to admit they don’t know something, so naturally I loved this Jimmy Kimmel clip. He sent a crew to Coachella to interview the floral-wreath-wearing concertgoers, made up some band names, and asked people if they were excited to see them. Naturally, you can’t […]


              I’m the Worst.

              I am extremely susceptible to the physical challenge. And I consistently overestimate how easy any of it will be. Case in point: I started running, after years of nothing but weight training and stair climbing, when my sister Jill said, “Hey, maybe you should run the Shamrock Shuffle. It’s only 5 miles!” And I– who had not […]


                Irony, By Cameron

                CAMERON: Mom, what’s “phone-icks?”

                JULIE: Um: it’s “phonics.” And it teaches you how to pronounce things, Cameron.

                CAMERON:

                JULIE: See what I’m getting at over here, dude?

                CAMERON: Point taken, Mom.

                 


                  Household Chatter

                  ADDIE J: Mom, can I please have the supplies?

                  JULIE: ….What supplies?

                  ADDIE J: You know: the supplies in my closet, that are up really high so I can’t reach them?

                  JULIE: You mean those craft supplies, like the hot glue gun and stuff?

                  ADDIE J: Yes! Those. Can I please have those?

                  JULIE: […]


                    In Which Donuts Make Me Cry

                    Dave and I went out to dinner last night, before seeing a play. We were seated at a window; Dave looked out and saw the sign for a bakery nearby. “Your dad and I went to that place for donuts,” he told me. “Just one time- and I think it was years ago, like […]


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