Speaking of Cancer….

My parents are having a contest to give my dad’s tumor a name (because “myxofibrosarcoma” is A. long, and B. not fun).  My useless little brother, Mikey, sent out an email to everyone in our family saying this:

I just want you all to know that you are playing for second place.  I have the winner.

So you can imagine how important it has become that his stupid suggestion, whatever it is, not be the winner.  I tried to brainstorm with Dave, but twice in twelve hours his best throw was “Tumey the Tumor.”  Obviously Dave cannot be counted upon to produce the winning name, and by the way I think it’s pretty clear which of us chose our children’s names.

Therefore I am playing my advantage: I’m taking suggestions for a name for Dad’s tumor.  Given how I feel about the tumor itself, I am partial to names like “Motherfucker” and “Shitheap,” but then it’s also appealing to go with something simpler.   Like “Rick.”  But whatever.  I sent out an appeal earlier and have been getting some emailed suggestions; if you’d rather email something than post your ideas in the comments, knock yourself out.  But rack your brains, because Mikey must be defeated.

    25 comments to Speaking of Cancer….

    • Maia Kelley

      Myxofibrosarcomb-over makes it sound pathetic and weak!

    • Jane Healy Brown

      Defeating Mikey is great motivation. (And you very clearly need help – sorry Dave – you have other wonderful qualities). Here are my suggestions: Bob (evil guy from Twin Peaks and an Uncle I dislike), Luther (as in Lex) and Toad. I chose "bad guy" names who are all ultimately defeated. Except Toad – it just sounds like a tumor, it's an animal easily crushed, plus Toad and the Wet Sprocket was a dumb band.

    • Julie Giampaolo

      OMG I am cracking up at these! Janey, I love you. And I think it's "Toad the Wet Sprocket." I'm pretty sure it wasn't a toad plus a sprocket. That was wet.

    • Summer Tarr

      Mylie Sarcomrus? Like a Mylie Cyrus song, it is annoying, sometimes painful, always at the back of your mind and seems to be taking forever to get rid of.

    • Jane Healy Brown


    • Gail Weltzin Meier

      Uncle Fred- the tumor is like a bad relative that invites himself over and never knows when he's overstayed his welcome! Or Boomer the tumor!

    • Gail Weltzin Meier

      Actually I like Summer's best!

    • Francis Sullivan

      How about Fester?

    • this is harder than I thought…I can’t decide between something really long and obnoxious like an old reality TV show name (“Paris Hilton’s My New BFF”)or naming it after a polite Amish man named “Jebediah”. Or pick any old washed up 80’s sitcom actors/characters. (“Todd Bridges”, “Balki Bartokomous”)

    • Jules

      There must be something wrong with me, because I’m laughing at “Balki.”

    • Nothing wrong with you, find me one person who didn’t love “Perfect Strangers”! Awesome theme song too:

      Standing tallllllll! on the wings of my dream…
      Rise and fallllll!!! on the wings of my dream…

    • Jules

      WTF??? The comments I’m getting through other sites aren’t showing up here. I’m so tech-illiterate when it comes to WordPress. Does anyone know how to find my Facebook ID number? Apparently that should help….

    • alaskagirl

      Dh suggests Terwilliger. He’s strange I know. Personally, I’m partial to Floyd or Herman. Those are names that I wouldn’t get very attached to. No offense to anyone with those names.

    • I think it might be 132501773577

    • Jan

      My vote is:


    • I like Jan’s idea. “It’s not a toomah!”

    • karen.jersey

      “unwelcome bitch”

    • Jules

      I’m fricking doing it wrong I guess. It’s not working. Gah……

    • I was going to go off a Arnold spin as well and suggest Arnie. I guess us Ohio-ans think alike 🙂

      Or you can go international and F-you in Japanese is “kutabare” (coo-ta-bar-lay).

    • Denise Metanias

      Well, I don't have one but I don't like Boomer the Tumor cuz my puppy's name is Boomer!

    • Jenni R

      Jeff says, “Let’s not assume it’s a male tumor, just because it’s inside your dad. Perhaps you could go with Kim, or Kimberly in more formal situations.”

    • Jill Giampaolo-Brenczewski

      I thoguht the same thing abou tthat one denise!

    • Ann

      I think I like Rusty or maybe Sebastian if we want something a little more formal and snooty.

      But we can also go with Ajax (a little Greek) or Buckaroo Bonzai. Bonzai for short. Found those in crazy baby names. Feel bad for those babies.

    • Jules

      Sometimes I think I don’t give Jeff enough credit for humor.

    • Jules

      Can’t go Sebastian– it’s too crab-from-The-Little-Mermaid to me.

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