You Know What Sucks?

When your 13-year-old dog’s hips are failing, so she loses her balance and falls into the pile of crap she’s just produced…. and then she can’t get into the car to get to the groomer without help….. and then, because you have noticed that she is always scrabbling for purchase when she tries to get up, you buy her a set of those little doggie socks with the treads on the bottoms like a toddler.  (I realize I have already lost many of you.  I fully acknowledge that doggie socks are a stupid and pointless idea.  Let’s move on…)

THEN you put them on your dog– forgetting that she is the most anxiety-prone being on the planet– and she thinks they are Magic Paralyzers so she just lies on the floor, hyperventilating and not moving her legs, until you relent and take off the front pair.  At which point she literally drags her body in a semicircle with the front paws, gives up, and lies down again, hyperventilating and whimpering.  So then you resort to asking Addie J to come over and pet the dog– because if there is one dangerous object that Abita cannot abide being near, it is Addie J.  So now here comes the J and the dog panics and leaps up, and then realizes that she is still wearing the Magic Paralyzers. 

I thought this would be the point at which she would realize they were socks and not paralyzers, and life would go on.

The dog decided that I was tormenting her for my own sadistic pleasure.  She looked at me reproachfully from the corners of her eyes, trembling all over.  Meanwhile her nemesis, Addie J, was busy petting her and telling her, “I like your socks!  They are so pretty!  You look so nice!”  The combination of soul-sucking socks and soul-sucking Addie J did her in, and Abita kind of collapsed to the floor and recommenced with the high-pitched whimpering.  I walked away, thinking that maybe if she had no audience she might fall asleep, forget she was wearing them, and all would be well.  And indeed, a few moments later I realized the whimpering had stopped.  I peeked around the corner–

Addie J was wearing the socks on her hands and feet, crawling industriously around Abita and making doggie noises.  Abita had fallen into some kind of doggie swoon.  And then the J tried to slide on the floor with her front paws, the sock treads kept her from sliding, and she smashed into the floor with her forehead.  Which woke up the dog, who started an encore performance of freaking out, in perfect harmony with Addie J’s freakout.  Then Cam came around the corner and said, “Mom– why did you let Addie put those socks on her hands?!?!?”

So what I wanted to know was, do you think the doggie socks are  actually part of a secret plot to bring about the collapse of civilization?  Because I’m kind of leaning in that direction.

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