Let Me Save You About $50 (Depending How Much You Like Your Movie Snacks)

This tag line is only technically accurate. In the way that sugar-free, gluten-free, vegan lollipops are technically candy.

You know how your kids want to see the movie Hop?  So you were probably going to take them some time this weekend or next week?  Well, to borrow a phrase from my sister Jill, I would rather lick a toilet seat than see that movie again.  The only amusing part is that you can actually see the exact moment when the lead actor realizes his career will never recover.  (Apparently no one ever taught him the cardinal rule: Never Costar With a Talking Animal.)  It’s just so boooooring.  And laaaaame.  And boooooring.  And, seriously: who thought they could sell the idea of a grown man training to be the Easter Bunny?!!?   I just can’t with this concept.  When I’m watching a dude dancing around on a middle-school stage, singing a duet with a talking bunny to “I Want Candy,” I really have to start evaluating my life and wondering how I came to be in this theatre, sitting through this crap, instead of doing, like, absolutely anything else in the world. 

This also feels like an opportune time to mention that jelly beans are completely disgusting, and I will never understand why people eat them.  And Jelly Bellies are even worse: they talk a good game but they’re just jelly beans with delusions of grandeur.  They’re smaller and more pretentious than regular jelly beans, but they’re actually no better– and sometimes they’re much worse.   They’re the Gwyneth Paltrow of jelly beans.    

Anyway.  This movie sucks.  Find something better to do– and since “lick a toilet seat” is on the list of Better Things To Do Than Watch Hop— I’m confident you’ll come up with something.


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