Tree Fiasco

Okay, so the freaking tree fell down yesterday. Why, you ask? Well, remember how I told you that the tree farm we visited was a bit sub-par in terms of actual trees? Short answer: that’s why. Long answer: our tree’s trunk looks like an Etch-a-Sketch drawing and is nearly impossible to balance in the tree stand. So Gabby was “innocently” and “gently” pulling on a candy cane and the whole thing came down (An aside: I am ready to collect accolades for not yelling or freaking out even once during this entire debacle, and for specifically assuring the kids that it was not their fault and that this would be a fun memory one day. The energy it took to control myself literally took twelve days off my life).

I actually took this photo AFTER I pulled it back upright and secured it with the toybox leg. That's right: this is the first mess CLEANED UP.

Fun fact for those unacquainted with real trees: they’re much heavier than fake trees. Fun fact for those unacquainted with our current tree: because at least 67% of this thing is its random, twisty trunk, it’s twice as heavy as a normal straight-trunked tree would be. So when I crawled behind it yesterday and stood it back up again, it took absolutely all my strength to do it (and I’m freaking strong. Ask the guy who lost an arm-wrestling contest with me in grad school and then never spoke to me again). But because it was all out-of-balance, I then could not let it go or else it would tip violently over once again. So, holding it up with the force of my will, I said, “Hey, guys? Can you try to find something heavy I can use to weight this down until Dad gets home to help me?”

The kids ran around the house with glee and came back empty-handed. Of course. I have no idea what I was thinking. I saw our heavy wooden toybox about 5 feet away from me and said, “How about you help slide that thing over to me?” Cameron and Gabby could only get it partway there, leaving me to hold up my off-balance, 12-ton tree with one hand– while bracing myself against the wall to pull a 100-pound toybox towards me with the other hand. (Right around this point is where I considered just letting everything go, leaving a note for Dave, and taking the kids out for dinner.) I got one leg of the toybox onto the tree stand and it held. Then I had to figure out how to get myself out from behind the tree; in the end I army-crawled out and sprawled on the floor, all muscles twitching uncontrollably. Addie J then launched herself onto my belly, but what are you gonna do.

Dave called on the way home. “Do you need me to pick anything up?” he said. “Just the tree when you get here,” I answered brightly. And so, after dinner, we laboriously reset the tree:

Does this look like a giant pain in the ass? Because it was.


Afterwards, Dave said, “I’ll make you a deal: if this tree falls down again, we’ll drive it back to that tree farm and throw it in their yard. Then we’ll go to Lowe’s and just buy a new one precut.” I said, “Deal.” I think the tree heard us, because as of this morning it remains on its best behavior. The only thing is, it somehow no longer has a top. We can’t put the star or anything else up there. At some point in the melee, our tree was decapitated. And I say, close enough. But I’m watching you, Headless Topheavy Tree. One false step and you’re kindling:

Yeah, you better straighten up and act right. And, where's your head?!?!?

    1 comment to Tree Fiasco

    • Tobin

      The tree now also looks wider than it is tall too, ugh.. We opted out of tree this year because we are leaving the 20th and dont want to worry about fire,,

      Nice pants too Gravy.

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