Thoughts

"Papa: I luv you and mis you."

Dad’s absence creeps up on me in unexpected ways. A few days ago, I was walking down the sidewalk in the city, wondering idly what the block would look like in twenty years. It hit me suddenly that, twenty years from now, Dad would still be gone. Do you understand what I mean? It wasn’t about Dad being gone for twenty whole years; what caused me to catch my breath in shock and dismay was the thought that I was going to have to live those twenty years without my dad. I was going to have to get from here to there without him, and when I got there– when I had lived another twenty years of this life with a hole in the center– he would still be gone. There would be another twenty years, and another twenty years, and we would have to live through them all but he would always, always be gone.

Seems kinda basic, I know. I’ve been focusing a lot on what’s right here, right now, I guess– I don’t think I’ve really stopped to look at the horizon.

Anyway. Addie J’s teacher wants her to practice writing. I know my Addie J: if I tell her to practice for homework she won’t want to do it. So this morning I said, “Hey JJ, why don’t you write some notes to some people?” And she happily settled in and began writing. The first note she wrote was this one, to her Papa. And I thought, maybe the J is having trouble with the horizon too.


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