Mother’s Day

Five kids who love their mama.

Five kids who love their mama.

My mom set the bar, like, stupid high in terms of how to parent effectively [side note: that seems like I’m backhandedly complimenting myself and my siblings]. I’ve already told you plenty of awesome stories about her– like how she has the highest pain tolerance of anyone I’ve ever met. Thanks to her example, I genuinely thought that all mothers who have C-sections could get up the next day, go home, and start driving kids to school and carrying around laundry baskets again. I was an adult before I found out that there was a freaking numbing gel that could be used before the dentist gave you a shot. Also, she has the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever met, and the fact that the five of us are still alive is a testament to her patience.

But today I thought you might enjoy hearing some off-brand reasons that my mother is the best mother in the history of time. I would also like to wish a Happy Mother’s Day to every single mother out there. Enjoy!

  1. Once, my friend Jennifer and I were playing tennis in her driveway and I broke a window; we looked at each other in dismay and Jennifer went into the house to tell her mom. I just went home and tried to act natural; Mom had to hear about it from Jennifer’s parents later on. This is how I learned that it’s far, far better to come clean right away.
  2. Jill and her friend got caught sneaking out of the house one night. My mom just waited in Jill’s room in the dark, and when they were sneaking back through Jill’s window, trying to be as quiet as possible, they heard Mom’s voice: “Just use the front door, Jill.” (Fun adder to this story: Mom woke Dad up and made him come out to the front hallway, while she yelled at the girls. Jill and Dad leaned their heads together and dozed off when Mom left to call the other girl’s parents.)
  3. One of the five kids (I’ll leave you to guess who) continued to wet the bed beyond the point where it seemed to be a physical issue. Prompted by our pediatrician, Mom went to Sears and bought the Wee Alert: it was a system that went under a kid’s bottom sheet. When it got wet, it made a loud, high-pitched sound like someone just kicked Satan in the nuts. This sound proved to wake everyone in the house except the one wetting the bed. After a few sleepless nights, Mom solved the problem in a much simpler way: she announced that she would charge one dollar for every bedwetting incident. The bedwetting immediately stopped forever.
  4. Jeff had a girl over for dinner once, and Mom tried a new recipe for chicken. We discovered about ten minutes into dinner that the chicken was raw in the middle; Jeff’s poor date, however, had already forced down her piece rather than complain.  We never saw that particular girl after that.
  5. And finally: I texted my siblings this morning, saying, “I’m telling fun stories about Mom,” and asked for suggestions. I’ll just leave Jill’s text here in its entirety: “How about the hot dogs in her nose when she was sleeping?”

I’ll say it again: thanks for not killing us, Mom. We love you. Happy Mother’s Day!!

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