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So one of the features of this platform is that I get to see all the searches that led people to this site. It’s displayed on the home page and normally lists phrases like “family jules” or “family jewels” or, strangely often, “Richard Simmons.” Today, however, someone found my site after searching the phrase, “How did my toddler get a tapeworm.” There are so many reasons a search like that would lead to my website. And none of them make me look mentally stable. The following is an original joke by Addie J. She told it to my mom, who promptly told me, and I was dying laughing. ADDIE: Grandma, knock knock. [repeat many more times, and then:] MOM: Who’s there? In retrospect, maybe that’s only funny to me. 1. Please consolidate all your pooping to one or two trips per day, preferably while we are at home. 2. Speaking of pooping: if you need help, then please ASK ME. For the love of all things holy, do NOT recreate last night’s debacle. You know what I’m talking about. 3. I think it’s awesome/ hilarious that you weigh 29 pounds at the age of 4. But when your pediatrician tells me for, like, the millionth time that you need to drink Pediasure 3 times a day [spoiler: you don't like Pediasure]….. JJ, it’s time for you to start eating. (And, since you never eat, why the hell are you taking 17 craps every day!?!!??) 4. Stop kicking me in the face when I let you sleep in my bed. For serious. You are so lucky that you look like an angel when you’re sleeping. 5. If you want to see your mother arrested for shoplifting, then by all means, continue to pull shorts off the clearance rack at Old Navy and put them on under your dress. Fortunately I DID find out about these and paid for them before we walked out….. and by the way: when we got home I discovered the shorts, which fit Teeny McTiny perfectly, are size 18-24 months. So I made some soup and paninis yesterday for dinner. The kids like paninis AND I’ve made this soup before to great acclaim, so I figured they’d all be thrilled and I’d rake in the accolades. Here’s how they each avoided eating their dinner, and if you factor in their respective ages, you can see that experience improves performance: CAMERON: Mom, thanks for this dinner. Wow! I’m just not hungry! I can’t believe I’m not hungry, because this dinner is so good! GABBY: Mommy, I can’t eat this anymore. It’s just too good. ADDIE J: Mama, I can’t eat dis food. It’s just too gwoss. The week of Addie J’s actual birthday, as it turned out, was extremely stressful, busy, and filled with unexpected, major events (I’ve adopted the terminology of a friend who calls that “vital.” That week was very, very vital). My extended family and I took her out to dinner on her actual birthday and gave her gifts, instead of throwing her the traditional party at our house. I kind of thought that, maybe, she would consider that her party– but this isn’t Addie J’s first trip to the rodeo, and she kept asking me when we were going to have her party….. so we did it yesterday. And you’ll be pleased to hear that, out of guilt that I even considered cheating her out of a party, I even rented her a Dora the Explorer jumpy. Because I’m that much of a chump for my youngest child. Yesterday’s highlights include: 1. Addie thinking we had actually purchased the jumpy for her, and running up to the guy who came to dismantle it and saying, “I fought dis was mine!” I’ve added a few more archives, including a party and the time Cameron did my hair. Speaking of parties: I’ve rented a Dora the Explorer jumpy for Sunday so I am officially the coolest mom on the freaking PLANET. Enjoy!!!!! 1. Have you seen Toy Story 3? Because it’s pretty cute, but there is a part [SPOILER ALERT: this really doesn't affect the plot but if you're in love with Mr. Potato Head, skip to # 2] where Mr. Potato Head loses his potato head, and must attach his pieces and parts to a freaking TORTILLA. It might sound kind of funny but it was horrifying: he was kind of wobbling about unstably, making this heinous squelchy noise that made me want to scream, and at one point the tortilla actually fell apart, so half of his jacked-up unstable FACE just peeled away. It was seriously disturbing on vital levels. I would have gone into a fetal position, except that Addie J was comfortably curled into a fetal position on my lap. 2. Yesterday, the older two kids spent some time industriously gluing popsicle sticks together to make little shields. And Addie J spent some time industriously gluing popsicle sticks to the craft table. I posted a few more entries from the archives, including one that, when Dave reads it, will probably backfire on me later. I can see it now: I’ll be all, “Honey, can you refill this for me?” and he’ll say, “Sure… but first I’ll need to run to Home Depot and get seven more tools, right??” Also: today I have failed at donating blood for like the billionth time. I try to donate on what feels like a daily basis, and I have of course succeeded, but half the time I get rejected for low iron, or (like this time) for low blood pressure, or once my freaking license was missing from my bag…. the list goes on. One time it took so long for me to fill the bag that I ran out of time and they had to throw out the half-filled bag. Have you ever heard of that?!?!? I inherited this crazy-low blood pressure from my mother and in many ways it is a blessing, but not when you’re trying to do some sick person a solid. So pathetic. Anyway, enjoy the new archives! You guys, it is so damn hard to come back from those holiday weekends, isn’t it? First of all, I spent essentially the entire 72 hours leading up to the Fourth in various swimming pools, alternately drinking pina coladas– seriously. Did you know that people still make pina coladas, because I didn’t know that but cha-ching!!!!– and trying to keep my panicky 4-year-old from dragging my suit bottoms off with her feet while she clutched me for dear life– also seriously. What’s the opposite of cha-ching? So by the time the actual fireworks began, we were five wet, bedraggled messes. Also, Davey has awesome white stripes where the sunblock was, and less awesome red stripes where the sunblock was not. He looks kinda delicious, like a candy cane. Then last night– I guess because I just don’t know when to quit– we had a few people over for drinks. It was going to be just a couple of beers and somehow it turned into a lot of beers and hilarious, hilarious stories from Jill and Brandy and an extra-funny little anecdote from my friend DJ about our presentation a few weeks ago (here’s a hint: go ask your favorite Parisian what “pipe” is slang for, and swear to God we were talking about an actual pipe) and it all culminated in Taco Bell. You know things have deteriorated when Taco Bell enters the scene. So anyway, I’ve been trying to grow up and act my age all day, with a fair amount of success. But more to the point: so I was holding a very limp and sleepy Addie J as the fireworks began. She had a Taggie in her mouth and was watching the display and idly remarking how it was all for her. The entire fireworks display was for her: “Mine,” she would say as a pinwheel exploded across the sky. “Mine too,” she said as the next one followed. “Mine….. mine….. Mommy, dese are all for me.” Then she said, “Mommy, I want to take my shoes off.” I said, “Don’t even think about it.” A few seconds went by, and Addie J smiled around her Taggie. She said quietly, “I dust did.” She. Freaking. Cracks. Me. Up. I have finally gotten around to posting more archives from the newborn Addie J stage. You can start here for some discussions of how a young Cameron and Gabby viewed church services, a list of stupid things said to me right after Addie J was born, and I had forgotten about my ode to the postpartum Albino Sub Sandwich. Enjoy! And: please, leave the fireworks to the professionals (ESPECIALLY if you live in my neighborhood and are out drunk after midnight I’m just saying). Let’s all count our fingers and see if we can make it to Monday without reducing that amount. Happy Fourth!! |
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