….if you come to my house, sit in the kitchen chair that has carefully been placed at the front door, and watch this freaking play that my kids have been putting on, over and over, for days now. They even roped in my nieces Olivia and Alaina yesterday. Here’s a brief synopsis:
Gabby stands with her back to everyone, wearing her Hermione Granger costume. Cam (or Libbie, or Laina, or some combo thereof) walk onstage–by the way Cameron has some catsup on his arm, meant to simulate blood. (Strangely, the blood is never really explained as a plot device.) Gabby tells them several times that her name is Hermione and then someone else tells her that her house smells like candy. Then they throw around various stuffed animals during what I have come to think of as Act II, with lots of character breaks for things like, “Ow, Alaina, that was too hard!” and, “Wait a minute. You’re supposed to lay on the floor now.” Meanwhile Addie J, who evidently auditioned but wasn’t cast, is trying to pull focus by performing her own interpretive dance in the middle of the proceedings and singing, “Mommy look at meeeeeeee, Mommy look at meeeeeeeee!” while the other kids yell at her to move and implore me to do something.
This generally continues until someone gets hurt or the audience gets up and refills her iced tea, whichever happens first. And I will seriously give all the money in my wallet (approximately $40, plus I haven’t counted any of the change AND there are loose bills in the bottom of my purse) to anyone willing to stand in for me until The Play Game loses its luster.
To quote Homer Simpson: “I’ve seen plays that were more exciting than this! Honest to god, PLAYS!”
….but not this one. In the meantime, here’s a clip of the Simpsons doing Kesha’s (a dollar sign is not a letter) song “Tik Tok.”
Gabby and her cousins are playing in the other room. Here are some things I’ve overheard and am choosing to ignore:
~ Gabby, don’t you think that will make your mom mad?
~ Ice wizards can only deal with ICE. REGULAR wizards can do ANYTHING.
~ Is that broken?
~ Fine. You can tell me the magic word if you want to– but I’m just gonna say whatever I want. [Ed. Note: 3 guesses who said that..]
~ No! I’M going to be the boss!!! ….. Let’s ask Addie who should be the boss.
~ Addie, you CANNOT BE THE BOSS!!!
~ Harry Potter’s owl’s name is Bigwig.
~No I don’t have a catsup problem!!!!!
Evidently they’re preparing a play for my enjoyment. As far as I can tell, most of their energy has gone towards making tickets to sell me at 5 cents each. They’ve made at least 25 of them, they plan to coerce me to buy them all, and they have yet to begin production or even development of the work itself…. which means they have great career ahead of them as film executives.
I had a bit of a tough week last week, guys. There was some various life stuff going on, which included a friend going through something big, Dave being in Texas all week– and then on Saturday I got a phone call that my sweet cousin Julie– who was also my goddaughter- had died that morning. Julie was 15.
To quote my incredible aunt at Julie’s memorial service, “On May 11, 1995, God gave me the most amazing gift.” Julie was born early, weighing just a little over 2 pounds. She had cerebral palsy and spent her life in a wheelchair… but she was never confined by those facts. I don’t want to dwell on the things Julie couldn’t do; in the grand scheme they were insignificant. When she weighed less than 3 pounds, she fought long odds to grow and thrive. When it became clear that she would not have use of her hands or her voice, Julie gained control of her feet in order to control her communication device. I’m sure it never occurred to her to do anything else; Julie never gave up, and she never gave in, and she never stopped working to achieve what she wanted. Her sunny, positive personality shone through and touched everyone she met– and that girl was a social butterfly if I ever saw one. Julie loved nothing less than to be the center of attention amid a group of people; my sisters and I used to tell her all the gossip about everyone in the room, just to see her laugh– and she laughed all the time.
Because here’s the thing: Julie was bigger than her CP. She was better than her CP. She rose above all her challenges to become an extraordinary young woman with a strong and vibrant personality, for whom the cerebral palsy was irrelevant. Everyone who knew her loved her, not because of her disabilities, but because of who she was. She was always, always happy. Even when she was very ill, or really tired, Julie always found a reason to be happy– and she made others happy too. Just being around her made me feel good. The last time I saw her was at my brother Mikey’s wedding, on June 5. Julie was in the middle of the dance floor with the rest of us, in her wheelchair, and as usual she was brightening up the room and having a great time.
At her memorial service, my aunt– who loved Julie fiercely and was an amazing advocate for her– said that Julie was her butterfly. I love this idea, that Julie has now flown free of the body that never quite cooperated with her. Cammy told me that he thinks Julie is standing on a galloping horse right now, yelling swear words at the top of her lungs– just because she can.
Top Ten Things I Love About Addie J on this day, her birthday:
10. She loves Kid Rock.
9. Sleeping is the only time she’s still… and even then, she sprawls everywhere. If I’m in the vicinity she kicks me in the face at least once.
8. When she sings along to Stone Sour in the car, she sings the line “I’m looking at you through the glass” as, “I knew the pooping in the class.”
7. I’ve never met anyone so impervious to the thoughts and opinions of others. This child truly does not care what anyone else thinks. Go ahead, lose your shit at her– she might apologize, but she’ll be thinking about suckers the whole time.
6. Suckers are like crack to her.
5. Even though she does about 100 irritating things every 60 seconds, she can be depended upon to then tell on herself– so the damage can usually be minimized. Example from yesterday: “Mommy, it’s okay! My sticky fingers will dry! I dried them on this wall– see?”
4. She changes clothes four or five times each day and her outfits get more and more Mad Hatter each time. By dinnertime yesterday she was wearing a bikini top as a belt (I mean, I think it was supposed to be a belt), a pair of size 6 months Halloween tights with the crotch at her knees, and a red dress around her neck as a cape. And that’s it.
3. She weighs like 25 pounds, for real.
2. But her personality is as big as the sky. I don’t know how a spirit so big can reside in such a teeny body.
1. She is and has always been the best surprise of my life. Happy Birthday, Addie J. I love you so much. Now, please get out of the dog food.
Addie J is the repeatingest repeater who ever served as her own tape recorder, and it’s going to be the death of me. Here’s the soundtrack of my life right now:
ADDIE J: Can I have a snack? Can I have a snack? Can I have a snack? Can I have a snack? Can I have a snack? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? I want a snack. I want a snack. I want a snack. I want a snack. I want a snack. Can I have a snack? Can I? Can I? Can I? Cand I? Can I? Can I? Can I? Mom, Can I? Mom, can I? Mom, can I? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom?
….and that’s ABRIDGED. We went to Cold Stone for a Father’s Day ice cream cake, and she was so vocal in her desire for ice cream that a dad in line turned to me and said, laughing, “Excuse me… I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I think your daughter wants some ice cream.”
This is an accurate reflection of the scene over here. Lois, I’m with you, baby:
Dave and I spent last week in New Orleans, without kids even– my mother graciously stepped in to take them when our previous plans fell through, which was so awesome of her even though I basically gave her no choice. Dave and I spent our trip acting like adults instead of parents…. which essentially means that we spent our trip acting like children. Here are some highlights:
1. We were on the streetcar, dressed to the nines, on our way to Jazz Brunch at the Palace Cafe, when Dave realized his fly was wide open.
2. We came to the conclusion that any man who wears madras plaid is a douchebag.
3. We paid for a touristy photo of ourselves at the piano bar at Pat O’Brien’s; when I got it home I discovered that, even though I had the photographer retake it multiple times, we both look like drunken jackasses.
4. Here’s the thing: at that moment we probably were drunken jackasses.
5. I had a voodoo priest make a ju-ju bag for a friend of mine who is starting a new business venture, and he let me hold his python while he did it.
6. The above is not a euphemism for anything.
7. Dave wanted to order a sandwich with the French name “jambon fume” which is pronounced “zhom-BON foo-MAY.” Sensing an impending disaster, I said to him under my breath, “Smoked ham, that’s smoked ham.” However he chose instead to order, in his words, the “Jam on Fume,” which caused me to laugh hysterically for like 30 minutes.
8. We witnessed some tourist at Cafe du Monde order his beignets with the powdered sugar on the side. Now, let’s be honest: this is not a healthy salad with dressing on the side. You’re eating a piece of deep-fried dough there. You really think conserving on the powdered sugar is going to make that much difference?
If you’ll be in the Chicago area tomorrow, tune in the Cubs game in the afternoon, because get this: my brother Mikey will be throwing out the first pitch– a wedding gift from his brand-new wife Erin!!
Throwing out the first pitch at a Cubs game is Mikey the sports fanatic’s childhood dream, so it’s a good example of how awesome Erin is, how well she knows Mikey, and how she can apparently make anything happen. Mike expects to be asked to try out for pitcher as soon as he fires his fastball, so tune in tomorrow to literally see one of the highlights of a man’s life.
Or you can watch just in case his performance is identical to this Mariah Carey epic fail. Also, I think he’s going to wear this same outfit:
~Will there ever come a time when at least 66% of my children do not immediately need to take a dump, as soon as we go out in public?
~How many more times will I have to yell, “Hey! We do not take off our clothes at Jimmy John’s!”
~Is it okay to laugh when your 3-year-old sings along to Kid Rock at the top of her lungs: “WE WERE SMOKIN FUNNY FINGS!!!!”
~Does anyone else receive text pix from their sister, of their children’s skid-marked underwear? Complete with the quote from your child: ”Don’t worry Jill-Jill. All my underwear looks like that.”
~When my child insists on ordering egg drop soup from the Chinese place, over all my protestations that he won’t like it… and then of course he doesn’t like it… should I make him eat it anyway?
Some shots of the kids at Mike and Erin’s wedding. First we have Cameron, caught in mid-sprint (his Kiddie Cocktail had probably run low). Next we have Gabby, seen here making sure this wedding guest knew who was really running the dance floor. And finally, in a twist no one saw coming, we have Addie J the flower girl, who (other than hurling all over the van on the way there, which really wasn’t her fault Dave I’m looking at you) was a surprise angel all day and all night. She and Gabby eventually passed out, sorority-chick style, on chairs at the reception– to which I say: that’s my girls.
Mike and Erin's ceremony. I know it's dark-- we were in a church so there was no flash photography. Just look extra hard.
My brother Mikey got married last weekend. I’ve got material for several posts here, but I’m going to start by posting the toast that Jill, Betsy and I made to Mike. Please keep in mind that we tried NOT to tell any of the really embarrassing stories, meaning that these are the mild ones. Tomorrow, if I can bring myself to think about it, I’ll tell you about Addie J’s epic carsickness episode on the way to the church. For now, enjoy!
On behalf of Mike and Erin and our parents, we’d like to welcome everyone here tonight. We are Mikey’s sisters: Betsy, Julie and Jill. We are very happy and excited for Mike and Erin, and we’re so happy to welcome Erin into our family– but we also want to make sure you know some things about Mike. You know– just in case he conveniently forgot to tell you any of these stories.
BETSY: Mikey is much younger than the rest of us. In fact, when we found out we were going to have another baby, we weren’t excited at all. We were pissed– because when my parents told us they had a wonderful surprise, we thought they finally bought a dishwasher.
JULIE: I will say that, when Mikey was growing up, he was a great kid. He was always very considerate and sensitive. For awhile he even enjoyed dressing up in our clothes and makeup. As far as I know, he did grow out of that phase……
JILL: Everyone in this room knows what a great athlete Mike has been from the start. You may not know that he was never as good as his sisters. I used to pin him down, plug his nose and dog hair in his mouth…..just for fun.
JULIE: I used to pin him down too… but instead of the dog hair, I would pull off his pants, use them to tie down his arms, and push him outside.
BETSY: Mike was so much younger than me, that I never really tortured him like that. Instead, he tortured my family. My husband fondly remember Mike, at the age of 4, selecting him to do the honors of wiping his ass. And while he wasn’t very close in age to me, he was close to my daughter Caitlin– he clashed with her so hard that, as an adult, he once took Cait shopping and told her to pick anything she wanted, “Because I’ve been such a jackass to you for the last ten years.”
JILL: As Mikey got older, he and I were really fortunate to remain close. I used to visit him at college, in fact, where we would get drunk, go out for late night LaBamba and snacks, and wake up in the morning covered in Bugle chips. If his college roommate were here..I would tell him not to be freaked out that he found us passed out drunk in Mikeys twin bed. Good times!!
JULIE: When I was living in New Orleans Mikey used to visit during Mardi Gras. I know he appreciated us taking him and his friend down Bourbon Street…. and, years later, I appreciated him backing up Dave at a parade, when he almost got in a fist fight with a guy in a Dr. Seuss hat!
JILL: Mikey and Erin met my family in Florida last winter for a vacation. I found out on that trip that I wouldn’t want Mikey to marry anyone else in the world. They make a perfect match– and Mikey pretends to the world that he’s in charge…but I found out on that trip that Erin wears the pants!
JULIE: I knew I liked Erin– but I didn’t know until the night of her bachelorette party, that she can party as hard as Mike can. Now I know why Mikey has always told us Erin is a fun drunk! I can’t wait to watch her outdrink Mike at the Giampaolo Friday Night Deck Parties all summer long!
BETSY: So if we can raise out glasses to Mikey and Erin- we love you both and we can’t wait until Mexico 2011!
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